“Four Kids Under Five and Counting?” Boris’s Baby News Has Everyone Asking the Same Question
Bloody hell, Boris Johnson’s at it again. Baby number four with Carrie just arrived – a little girl called Poppy – and the poor bloke’s now juggling more kids than ministerial positions he’s held.
But here’s what’s got everyone talking: Carrie’s Instagram announcement calling Poppy their “final gang member.” Thank Christ for that, most people are thinking. Four kids under five? That’s not a family, it’s a football team in training.
I rang my mate Dave who drinks at the same Oxfordshire pub as Boris (yes, really), and he nearly choked on his pint laughing. “Saw him last week trying to fold up one of those nightmare buggies outside Tesco. Took him twenty minutes and two old ladies had to help him in the end.”
The timing’s brilliant, isn’t it? There’s Boris copping flack for his £5 million speaking tour earnings, and suddenly – boom – adorable baby news. Classic Boris move. Distract them with the cute baby while you scarper with the cash.
But credit where it’s due – locals reckon he’s actually pretty good with the kids. Sarah who runs the village shop told me: “He’s in here all the time buying those little yogurt pots and fish fingers. Though he did ask me last week if we sold anything organic for baby Frank’s ‘refined palate.’ I pointed him to the Petit Filous.”
At 60, Boris’s going to be drawing his pension before Poppy’s even doing her GCSEs. Mental. Though knowing Boris, he’ll probably still have the energy to embarrass her at school sports day. Can you imagine? “That’s my dad doing press-ups on the running track.”
Carrie, 36, deserves a bloody medal. Or at least a very large wine cellar. Friends say she’s handling the chaos like a trooper, but let’s be real – she must be absolutely knackered. My cousin’s got three kids and she says she hasn’t slept properly since 2019.
The house is mental,” says someone who visited recently. Toys everywhere, Boris reading them bits of Churchill speeches instead of proper bedtime stories, and Carrie trying to stop the toddler drawing on the walls with organic crayons.
The name Poppy’s sweet – properly English, like something out of a Richard Curtis film. Though apparently Boris was pushing for Boadicea. Carrie won that battle, clearly.
What’s hilarious is watching Boris on the school run. Parents at the local primary say he rocks up looking like he’s been dragged through a hedge backwards (standard Boris, then), usually with at least one child’s breakfast down his shirt.
“He forgot it was dress-up day once,” laughs mum-of-two Katie. “All the kids were pirates and princesses, and there’s poor Wilfred in his normal uniform. Boris spent ten minutes trying to fashion an eye patch out of his face mask.
Marina Wheeler, his ex, is probably having a right old laugh watching this unfold. Her kids with Boris are all grown up now. She can sit back and watch the chaos from a safe distance.
But here’s the million-pound question: is Poppy really the last one? Carrie says yes, but then again, Boris said he’d die in a ditch over Brexit and look how that turned out.
A Tory insider texted me: “Four kids is already pushing it. If they have another one, they’ll need planning permission to extend the house. Again.”
The villagers have started a sweepstake on how long before Boris is spotted at the vasectomy clinic. Current odds are 3-1 before Christmas.
Still, you’ve got to admire their energy. Most people are thinking about slowing down at 60. Boris is changing nappies and doing the 3am feed. Though rumour has it he tried to delegate night duties to a SpAd before remembering he doesn’t have those anymore.
Poor Poppy’s entered one hell of a clan. By the time she’s old enough to Google her dad, she’ll need therapy. But at least family dinners won’t be boring.
Welcome to the madhouse, little one. And Carrie? Maybe keep the contraceptives locked away from Boris. Just saying.
